Press Release: Dangerous Metal!

SpinDizzy News received the following press release from an unknown source and is reproducing it below verbatim. — Ed.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Spindizzy Alpha, Sector [288,46,-17] designation “The Place with the Pretty Stars That Kill You”, Upside-Down Chair Lady’s Daughter’s Galaxy, The Universe without a Middle.  71st of Floreal 37,912,123 Ante Mortem Solis.

Annelid Amalgamated is required by universal law to inform you, the residents of Spindizzy Alpha, that our survey has found a deposit of an extremely dangerous and valuable metal called Orichalcum within a large hole that no one on your world had the good sense to fill in.  We are required by universal law to inform you that should residents of your world make some claim on this mineral resource (which isn’t really a resource at all, it’s dangerous and you should be glad to be rid of it) then we will cede all interest.  However, we must stress that this metal is extremely dangerous and if you go anywhere near it or even think about it too much you will likely have something horrible happen to you.

Therefore, Annelid Amalgamated recommends all residents go nowhere near the hole and try very hard not to think about it (and don’t do anything that could be construed as a claim, that’s the most dangerous of all) so that we may remove the deposits before they do you harm.  Annelid Amalgamated claims the meagre profits gained from the material as compensation for removing what is, we assure you, a horrible threat to all life on your world.

We are required to mention that universal law protects your right to go near the deposit, claim it, and do whatever else you want with it.  But you really shouldn’t.  It’s bad.  Terrible.  Deadly.  We’re only looking out for your welfare, really.  Surely you can’t think an organisation with “Amalgamated” in the name would be sinister?

We will take your lack of action as acceptance of our offer.  Universal Law requires us to wait one week.  But that’s just a formality.  You’re all intelligent folks with common sense we’re sure.

[A stylish corporate logo shows a spindizzy planetoid with gear-teeth around the edges.  A large segmented worm has bored through the middle and circled around to hold its tail in its mouth.]