Personal Commentary: Self Introspection

Have you ever been so depressed inside that no matter how hard you work to show a lighthearted attitude, you can’t sustain it? That’s me at this moment.

No this isn’t some sort of “woe is me” attention grab. It’s simply letting out what is eating me inside. Some of the residents here on SpinDizzy might know that I’ve been having some serious health issues as of late, others might not know this. But that is of little consequence at this moment.

Two days past from this date, I had blood taken for a test to see how healthy I was, and despite losing nearly seventy pounds in about three months, my health outlook seemingly did not improve any. Instead it looks to have gotten worse. This has found me settling deeper into a state of depression that brings tears to my eyes just sitting here.

Yes. I am very saddened at this moment and really don’t want to do anything. I find it hard to smile or have reason to laugh anymore. I’m scared, confused, depressed, angry, and sorrowful. I already feel as if I’m dead but just waiting for the rest of me to catch up.

To say that, is a feeling I’ve had many years ago. That I died and was just waiting for the rest of me to follow suit. That angers me so. I tell myself again to stop being as depressed about it as I am. I know I should be but I cannot shake the feeling that I am spiraling down faster now and that the notion of stepping off the ride early is looking increasingly appealing.

Why did I write this here instead of keeping it bottled up? Perhaps I do want someone else to tell me that they care. Perhaps I do want a sliver of attention when I bare a part of me that I keep hidden away. Perhaps I’m giving everyone here a heads up that if I suddenly vanish from the world; what happened.

I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to waste away. I don’t want to die anymore. I don’t want to hurt anymore.