A Heck of a Way to Rejuvenate a Rat

A hardy band of adventurers led by Azure of the future set out on an expedition into uncharted Heck in search of accidentally murdered rat Skiv, the evening of Monday, the 2nd of May. While the party included more people then will comfortably fit between these margins, grim ex-reaper Ali bowed out, saying, “You can’t just go bucking the natural order like that.”

With that formality taken care of, the party proceeded to Heck. After a harrowing yet largely irrelevant journey through Limbo and the entrance of Heck, they found themselves on an interstate freeway paved with good intentions (“I thought you’d be happier”, “One day you’ll thank me,” and “I was only trying to help,” to name a few). The group soon encountered something called the Zeitgeist, a humanoid automaton made largely of clock and watch parts. Having found out (in a roundabout, verb-tense-mangling sort of way) the object of the group’s quest, it directed them to a nearby Denny’s restaurant where Skiv was said to be residing. Since it was also the only exit from the interstate for 10 miles, the choice was obvious.

Upon entering the Denny’s, which was dirty and smelly and disgusting and–you know, a Denny’s–the group was met by a “maître d’mon,” a Cerberus-like three-headed black dog wearing a white tuxedo and wielding a ledger book and a strong Freudian bent, given that its heads from left to right represented its id, ego, and super-ego respectively. Luckily, Natasha, BunnyHugger, and Fluffy (also respectively) managed to win them over with a tempting chew toy, a logical argument, and an appeal to Platonic ideals (also also respectively, if not especially respectfully).

A quick look around the area showed that Skiv was not in sight. However our heroes did find activity placemats on the tables. The SpinDizzy News has acquired one of these placemats and found it to largely consist of a maze titled “HELP GUIDE THE DIRTY RAT TO HIS JUST DESSERTS!” leading from RAT at top left down to FINAL REWARD at bottom right, with other points labeled “Contrapositive Heck! (through the kitchens),” “Ironic Heck! (through the bathrooms),” and “Post-Modern Heck! (through Post Modern Heck!)” After some minutes of the usual inane schtick, the party determined that RAT could not be connected to FINAL REWARD without passing through Ironic Heck…which meant passing through the bathrooms…

…which more specifically meant flushing themselves down a toilet. And once they did flush themselves down…well. Ironic Heck proved to be a very, very clean outdoor laundromat, with a field of sunflowers dotted with washers and dryers through whose windows one could see super-clean kitchens and hospitals and car washes and bathhouses and…where was I? Oh yes! In Ironic Heck, ironically contrasting with the dirty icky restaurant (Cheap Irony #1). There were also an adorable kitten, a fluffy bunny, and an inedible puppy, all of whom were incredibly cute, incredibly cuddly, and incredibly keen on not letting their prisoner get away. And the prisoner was Skiv! Hooray!

But of course overcoming the cute fuzzies proved to be harder than it looked (Cheap Irony #2). Bereft of microscopic life, he rested…not in peace, but in a perpetual state of torturous, rictus-grin cheer. Apparently, death was making him happy, whether he wanted it or not (Cheap Irony #3). Luckily, Azure had foreseen the need to bring along a health code violation form which was itself crawling with diseases (Cheap Irony #4) and attempted to bring it to Skiv…only to be thwarted by the fuzzy guardians at every turn.

In the end, it was only by holding off all three guardians at once–Azure luring the puppy away by throwing his flute like a stick; BunnyHugger holding an impromptu cuteness contest with the fluffy bunny, not only exhausting but exploding it; and Fluffy and Natasha distracting the kitten with petting–that our heroes were able to get the form and its attendant microphagery to Skiv.

The effect was downright earth-shattering. Or just Heck-shattering, since it left the washing machines rusted, the sunflowers blighted, and the general area smelling of death. Luckily it also had an escalator of bad intentions, the steps marked with messages like “I’m going to goose that silver vixen while she sleeps” and “I plan to bump this rat into a wood chipper” and “I’m going to get an innocent damned to Heck just so I can make a pass at her.” This last step Skiv jimmied free and dropped on Azure to kill him, you know, just as payback. Once Azure departed Heck to arrive at Heck (try reading that over if you don’t get it), the party ascended the electrified stairway to…not Heaven, but the Rose Garden, and Skiv could be officially pronounced RESCUED.

When last seen, Skiv was seen giving off an eerie green glow of pestilence. We recommend giving him a wide berth unless you’re working on improving your disease resistence.

[ Special Note: Since the goings-on of this adventure involve events which Azure of the Future was privy to but Azure of the Present was not, it is possible that, if Azure of the Present learns about them, it may cause timeline inconsistencies that are dangerous to him and/or others. So, don’t let him read it! Unless he’s read it already, in which case, oh well. ]