On the Importance of Tempering

The scene at SpinDizzy General Hospital; from left to right, fluffy (human, formerly critter), Deputy Mayor Chandra al-Alkani (Leptailaurian), Mayor Azure Varisha (Chromalopex Eruditovenator Caeruleus), an Actual Medical Doctor (species unknown), and Dr. Sam Pascal (critter).

Today, fluffy (critter) learned a valuable lesson: When an experiment is described as “extremely ill-advised” even by Azure Varisha (blue fox, interim mayor, and resident expert in the extremely ill-advised), one should probably listen.

According to witnesses, fluffy had allegedly attempted to make a flash-frozen alcoholic drink by placing what was described as “a cube of solid ethanol” into a non-alcoholic beverage. The resulting chemical reaction caused a large explosion which knocked fluffy unconscious and caused a great deal of internal bleeding and a spinal contusion; in the ensuing chaos and confusion, the critter died.

Fortunately, Dr. Sam Pascal (critter-porcupine hybrid), fluffy’s creator and 51% shareholder of Mad Scientific Laboratorial Concern and Tiki Lounge, LLC, was on the scene to provide much-needed medical assistance and, additionally, had a spare body lying around. A brain transplant using what Dr. Pascal described as “the Hfuhruhurr method” spared the life of fluffy, albeit leaving them in a rather more human-looking body.

“This body is genetically identical to its old one,” said Dr. Pascal in a statement. “It is simply one which I had not applied the so-called ‘critter process’ to,” they said, with a slight wince. According to Dr. Pascal, allegedly fluffy’s creator and genetic parent, fluffy has always been human aside from “a few genetic tweaks” and “in-vitro surgical enhancements.”

fluffy before the incident (archival photo)

“It’s all true,” said fluffy to reporters. “In fact, I’ve been telling everyone this for quite some time now, but nobody believed me. Well, now they have their proof. And I have a few changes to get used to. It’s amazing how quickly I’ve fallen back into the habit of chewing my fingernails, for example. Plus, now I have to wear clothes in public.”

Witnesses report that fluffy’s death was probably unnecessary, but caused in part due to the ongoing bickering of those at the scene of the accident resulting in a delay in transporting fluffy to the hospital. Azure Varisha, Alisande Silverlode (silver fox), and Chandra al-Alkani (Leptailaurian and Deputy Mayor) were seen in the convoy along with Dr. Pascal.

When asked if this had anything to do with the ongoing patent dispute between Mad Scientific Laboratorial Concern and Tiki Lounge, LLC and the Freeloader Bar, fluffy stated, “This is so typical of you media vultures – always reporting on the brief controversies but never following up with the graceful resolutions!”

No representative of You Media Vultures could be found for comment, nor were they even found to exist. More on the patent dispute as it develops.

CORRECTION TO THE ABOVE: We have been informed by Dr. Pascal that “[we idiots] do not understand the difference between a simple phase change causing explosive decompression compounded by the Liedenfrost effect and a chemical reaction.” As soon as we can get an explanation of what this means, we idiots will update the article text accordingly.